Apology in advance: I’ve been a male my entire life and have absolutely no idea what it means to be a follower. But I have witnessed first hand and/or heard through second hand experiences.
Here are a list of tips and tactics to get followers more dances at the milonga:
DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware that tango “is not fair” to both men and women. Women have it harder and have to follow a different set of rules. That’s how life goes and as tango greatly reflects life, we find all the gender inequalities here. With that said, understanding these unfair/unspoken rules gives women the best chance to game the system.
I’ve personally seen and heard enough about how hard it is for some women to get dances. And I really feel for them because tango is supposed to be fun. And everyone has more fun when everyone else is is having fun. As a community, we have failed when not everyone gets a chance to join in on the fun.
And I have to say it outright: it’s quite hard for women to get dances. Tango’s old traditions can empower the men and disempower the women. Whether or not you agree that it’s “unfair” for women, you can at least admit that it CAN be really hard for some women to get dances whenever they want. I’m not proud of the system that was invented decades ago for a different society.
I am in no way claiming that if a woman does not do these things, she does not deserve dances. I am simply suggesting that if you follow this guide, your chances should improve GREATLY. I know the world is unfair and I hope these tips help you followers to enjoy all the very best that tango has to offer.
Reasons why some woman don’t get dances:
- too many other women available
- no guy friends / too many guy friends
- not good dancer and/or annoying dance traits
- it’s NOT looks – cut that crap out, i’ve seen tons of pretty girls waiting on the sidelines and also tons of average-looking women smiling their ass off every tanda
- dancing TOO good – if you’re too good or too desirable…every guy is gonna save you for “the sexy tanda”. which means you’ll probably sit a lot earlier on (leaving you open for all the weirdos to approach).
- too many guy friends – this can be a problem too. If you have too many friends, they all assume you’re taken care of and don’t realize you’ve gone an entire night without any dances. Being lost in the cool crowd can be the most awkward feeling ever. I’ve seen this happen to many high-level and also good looking followers.
1. Look appealing
Let a male choose your outfit
If I want to know which cologne smells best on me, I ask Jessica, not Billy. Does that make enough sense? Ladies…you should do the same. Show 3 or 4 outfits to your guy friends and ask for THEIR opinion, not your girlfriends’.
I know you bought some new artistic cool dress from some indie-shop the other day…well guess what, the guys’ tastes are not as refined as yours. They might not appreciate the latest runway trends. You can go ahead and get your girlfriends’ opinions if you want, just remember that none of them have the ultimate measure of a dresses’ desirability—MALE TESTOSTERONE.
And before you go spiral off into in anti-chauvinist rant, I am not saying you should dress provocatively or “trashy”. I am saying that a male’s taste always trumps a female’s taste. It’s not about how much skin you’re showing. It’s about the shapes, colors, and textures that draw a man’s eye. The first interaction any man will have with you at the milonga will be from about 50 feet away. You know what else is also available at 50-feet away?—EVERY OTHER WOMAN!
Smile more
Yes, some of you may need to change your expression. A woman’s smile is equivalent to a man’s confidence. Your smile says you’re having a good time, easy to please, and enjoy life. If you’re not smiling, the leader is going to feel like it’s his responsibility to change it to a smile. How exhausting.
Leaders are taught to give everything they have to make the follower happy. And a woman wearing a smile makes him feel like the job is already halfway done. Do you feel it’s a woman’s job to make a leader feel like a man? Hell no. He should already be strong and confident. Ok, how about you do the same.
Smile every time you go to the bathroom or water.
More importantly, smile at the leaders you want to dance with. As a leader being constantly bombarded with friends and people trying to chat, it’s really hard for me to notice new people. It’s not because I’m closed off or anti-social or don’t like meeting new people, it’s simply because I don’t notice you.
So how do I ever notice new people? It’s when they introduce themselves and start talking to me first…ORRR…they smile at me when we walk by each other on the way to the bathroom or water cooler. How about when you’re squeezing in between 2 people and don’t want them to notice you? STOP DOING THAT. Touch his arm, look him in the eye, smile and say, “excuse me” in your cutest/sexiest voice, and walk off.
- What if you don’t want to smile or hate being told to smile? That’s ok, too. Just make sure you don’t have RBF.
2. Be available
Sit in a good spot
Best place is nearby the water cooler, bar, or main walkway, where you are likely to get the most foot traffic. The most ideal is where many people can see you or pass by you but you’re also not looking alone/isolated or lost in the crowd.
Whatever you do, avoid sitting by the lonely hearts table that they reserve for all the single ladies. It’s a tough table for guys to approach because they’re afraid of cabaceo’ing the wrong woman. Another table I would avoid is nearby where the pros or the “clique-ey people” sit. Many dancers don’t even look in that corner because it’s assumed those people aren’t looking outwards for cabaceos.
Pay attention
Don’t talk to your friends so much, especially during the good songs. I can’t even count the number of times I wanted to dance with a follower who was busy talking only to find out later that nobody asked her during the milonga either. You may think it’s safe to talk because no leaders are around but believe me, many leaders will look from afar and not even both approaching the table if you look occupied.
Get up and move a lot so you don’t look stale.
Make sure you get up often, socialize, or do whatever to avoid looking stale if you’ve gone awhile without dances. Don’t be the wallflower. Socialize so your energy keeps flowing. Be in good spirits, talk, laugh.
Don’t complain that you have to do this. Guys have to do this at clubs, too. Running around complimenting and bothering women until one gives us a chance. Nobody is going to hate you for being social.
3. Be a good dancer
This tip may seem silly as many followers who have time getting dances are two times better than half the leaders they’re trying to dance with. But nonetheless, it helps. Leaders have more fun when dancing with a good follower. Leaders will also pass around names of good followers to other good leaders. Good followers are especially desirable during classes and workshops.
You can always work on your dance skills
No offense, there’s probably something many of the other followers have that you don’t have. You better figure it out. Not everything is as easy to tell from the outside. Some followers have such a warm and loving presence, the guys always feel appreciated dancing with them. Other followers are really light and easy to lead. Some followers are super fast and capable of doing complicated moves. Some followers have an embrace that just makes a guy wanna give her all his money. If you can, be the last follower.
Be confident
This one helps a lot. Many followers have more than enough skills but lack the confidence in their dance. Having this confidence adds power and clarity, making you not only look better but also feel better both to to yourself as well as to your partner.
4. Socialize!
Get a group together and RSVP a table.
All you need is 2 guys and 2 girls. This will help you girls meet more people. After you dance with a guy, introduce him to the other people at your table. This will help you get your lady friend a dance. And then when the guys finish dancing with a lady, maybe you’ll get a chance to meet the other ladies and then later get to dance with THEIR guy friends. C’mon now, NETWORKING!
Drink lots of wine and have more fun than the next table. Invite the people next to you over for a drink and throw a party at your table. This isn’t a new trick, mind you…men have been doing it for centuries. Show up at the club, order lots of alcohol, have lots of fun, and share the fun (and alcohol) with all the people nearby. “We have some wine/champagne. Come have a drink with us.” or “I want you to meet my friends.” goes a long way!
Socializing for introverts:
If you want to be little Ms. Introvert, god help you. JK, there’s an answer for that, too. You can hang out with other lone rangers. There’s probably a lady somewhere with her shoes off because her feet are hurting. Or another lady who has her coat on and doesn’t even dance. Go hang around these lone women and keep them company. There’s a chance they know many guys, who may come around and ask them to dance but unfortunately they aren’t dancing…BUT YOU ARE!
Go find a guy that’s having a bad night and sit next to him and talk about life. Or talk to the guy who’s standing outside smoking a cigarette because he’s bored of the milonga. Or that shy guy in the corner who’s too intimidated to ask. Come to think of it…this terrible advice for introverts.
Talk to leaders
This one is obvious but often overlooked. Say “hi” to them, talk to them, sit with them. Don’t know what to to talk about? You better work on your conversation skills. All you need is to suck up 2 minutes of his time and be a pleasant friend. He might look your way later.
Many followers like to try the tactic of complimenting a lead but that can be a double-edge sword. Some will be so flattered, they’ll grab you to dance immediately. Others may take it negatively, seeing it as your way of forcing them to dance with you. It’s best if you don’t over-compliment him, and walk away afterwards to not put any pressure. Indirect compliments can also work nicely: tell him he looks dancing with whatever follower you know he likes dancing with, tell him you saw such and such girl smiling while dancing with him, tell him his dance looks very clean/musical/elegant, ask him who he learned from, etc.
Watch a leader dance
Play to his big ego ego. Many guys notice when they’re being watched by you. If they’re dancing on the outside lane, they’re probably looking to be watched and enjoy the attention. Don’t be afraid to be caught watching him. You can just keep your eyes on his feet instead of staring at his eyes.
Talk to other followers
You’re probably not the only follower around. Make some friends, chat. Most followers I see will open with complimenting another women’s outfit, shoes, nails, necklace, earrings, etc. Followers can sometimes be very catty with each other that it’s so refreshing to for women to meet other women who aren’t catty. Win over some female friends and they’re bound to introduce you to all the leads they know. Some will even demand their partner/boyfriend/husband to dance with you if they see you sitting out for too long.
5. Have a good attitude
Always have fun!
Smile even when you have a bad dance. Be grateful, thankful, and have a good spirit no matter how crappy the tanda. In case you think I’m suggesting for you to act like the dance was amazing—NO—I’m saying to act like your life is amazing and no crappy dance can put a damper on your night.
Avoid having a reputation for being a limited follower.
Are you known as a follower who hates close embrace? Or doesn’t like fast or slow songs? It’s very possible that possible that leaders are not asking you to dance because you have a reputation for being really picky or limited. In crowded milongas, leaders are wary of asking taller followers who might step too far, or runaway followers that are harder to control.
You can be the girl that likes milonga! Some followers do not like milonga, even with their favorite leaders. Being the follower who LOVES milonga will get you picked up when other followers are too tired or don’t feel like it. And there’s a very good chance he’ll want to stay around for a “regular tango” with you. Contrary to popular belief, some leaders do search out new followers for a milonga tanda. They love milonga but don’t want to waste their favorite followers on a non-sensual tanda.
Have a good reputation
Don’t get into fights with people, talk smack, or cross people. Don’t be an argumentative person on Facebook. Having a bad social reputation will cost you more than anything. People are more loyal to each other than you think. Many guys will overlook you because of something you did or said to their male friend or female friend.
Don’t be mean when rejecting beginners
This is a critical one for the older ladies. An older follower getting blacklisted by a beginner may cost her more than she realizes. Because older followers (who do not get asked to dance as much) have their best chance with a beginner lead. Mr. Young Guy totally sucks when he’s a beginner but you’re one of the few people at the milonga he feels safe enough to ask. If you dance with him *COUGH* invest in him *COUGH in his early stages, he will remember you and not only dance with you later but also refer his beginner friends to you later. And you will have an endless stream of developing leads. The first few years might be horrible but hey look, they will get better! Some of them might even be good looking (if you care about that). Guys do the same, too. We sometimes dance with crappy beginner followers. Everybody makes an investment, ok?
But what about the flip side? Let’s say you totally lost your cool and rejected some beginner and his feelings were hurt. You can bet he’ll never ask you again. You’ve lost a customer for life. And not only that but he’ll warn his beginner friends NOT to ask you because he doesn’t want them to get rejected by you. And now you’ve far more potential opportunities. And then later complain that the good guys don’t dance with you. And guess why…cuz they’re busy dancing with the people they want to dance with and also with the people that spent the time to invest in them!
No victim mentality!
If you’re not getting dances, it’s not because you’re a victim of anything. Some guys will never ask you. Don’t get butthurt about it. There will always be people in this world that for some reason do not inspire you to want to run out and talk to them. There are many women, even the best looking and most skilled ones who will never be asked by certain guys. It is not just you. And it is not a reflection of your value as a person or dancer.
Tips for getting dances with the top leaders:
1. Take a private with them
It’s the ultimate compliment. Talk about how something he taught helped you improve beyond what another guy taught you.
2. Sit at their table
They follow code in that leaders should dance with all the followers at their table. Be natural and don’t look desperate. It’s gonna happen. Let it happen. How you get to sit at their table is a whole other art in itself. You’ll probably have to talk to them.
3. Talk to them
The best leaders are sometimes alone as not everyone relates to them or identifies with them. Talk to them for a few minutes and they might pull you to dance when a good tanda comes on. It helps if you know how to make good conversation. If they don’t ask you after you’ve camped them out for 15 minutes, stop talking and give them some space. It only means they aren’t going to dance with you then, but it still could happen later.
4. Be confident
Confident men like confident women. They respect it and appreciate it so much more. Don’t act like a super-shy fan. This also goes for the dance floor. Take your embellishments and don’t lose your composure when you mess up. If you absolutely must, let out a sweet little “sorry” then smile and get back to your dancing. Confident leaders don’t about mistakes and neither should you.
5. Look really comfortable/confident when dancing with the other top guys
This is probably your best chance to sell yourself. Other guys definitely notice who the top guys are dancing with. If you look comfortable, having fun, sexy, sensual, in the zone…then the other guys will be curious to try you out. More so than trying to make yourself look good, make it look like you really enjoy the other guy’s dance. And of course, this is easiest when it’s genuine.